How Shame Impacts Us and How We Are Encouraged to Respond

We all have heard comments like this before: 

"My dad saw me at a track meet after not seeing each other for a while. After my race, I went to say hi to him, and the first words he said to me were, 'You. Got. Fat.' I was hurt because we hadn't seen each other in months, and those were the first words out of his mouth."

“Hey, Jeff, you sure are fat.” (By the way, that was a comment I heard in 9th grade)

Shaming is a deflecting mechanism; we are take the focus off of ourselves and we place emphasis on others in a negative light, We we shame, we create divisions and do not build bridges to strengthen relationships.  In those moments of shaming, we encourage people to seek revenge and we do not provide solutions to whatever it is they find themselves in. 

Shaming doesn’t work. Yet, we do it all the time. We’ve seen a shift in shaming, as it is now an everyday part of our social media world, but shaming has been going on for a long time. 

I’d like to share with you a passage of Scripture where shaming is an underlying current in the situation that is before us. 

As we prepare to read this passage, we, the reader can see that we have a Samaritan woman who is at the well at noon. She’s there then because not many people are there at that hour. It’s hot. Why is she there then? For one, she is a recipient of feeling and experiencing shame. 

Let’s read. 

John 4:5-9

5 So he came to a town of Samaria called Sychar, near the field that Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6 Jacob's well was there; so Jesus, wearied as he was from his journey, was sitting beside the well. It was about the sixth hour.

7 A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” 8 (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.)

It’s important to understand the context to this passage of Scripture. When you hear the Samaritan woman asking this question, you have a greater appreciation for this moment, where this Samaritan woman was not shamed for once in her life! 

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

The Samaritan woman was responding to the heart of Jesus that crossed barriers. She was absolutely amazed at Jesus' conduct, because she and other Samaritans were used to scorn and shame. That’s all this woman knew. She was thrown under the rug, ignored, made to feel “less than.” 

This was nothing new for her and for the Samaritans. The bitter hatred between the Jews and Samaritans goes way back, ”hundreds of years.” 

In 721 b.c. the Assyrians swept through Israel, the Northern Kingdom, and took the inhabitants off to Assyria. During their years in Assyria, many Jews intermarried with the Assyrians and Cuthites.

In 587 b.c. Babylon took the people of the Southern Kingdom, Judah, captive into Babylon. But in Babylon there was no intermarriage, and when the Jews came back to their homes they were of unadulterated Jewish blood. 

And because of this, they refused to accept their northern neighbors, and both sides developed an ugly hatred for each other, so they would say things to bring shame upon the Samaritans. 

The shaming was so bad that Jewish rabbis would say, "Let no man eat the bread of the Cuthites [the Samaritans], for he who eats their bread is as he who eats swine's flesh." 

And we know that was a “no-no.” 

A popular prayer in those days said, "And Lord, do not remember the Samaritans in the resurrection." So it was truly amazing when Jesus crossed those lines. Think about it. Jesus reached out to the unloved. He didn’t follow suit. He cared for those in his presence. 

So often we don’t realize the power of our words and our actions. The consequences of shaming can impact generations, not just individuals as we see in this passage from John 4. 

We hear this kind of talk and we see this negative behavior over and over again and we begin to say to ourselves, 

“I’m not worthy or I’m not good enough for love or there is no way I belong. I’m unlovable. I’m nothing.”  And this type of feeling can have effects upon our children and our children’s children and our children’s children’s children. 

It’s this kind of language of hearing in our heads “I’m not worthy or I’m not good enough”  that then becomes for us the voice of shame, and it becomes a feeling that we're all scared to even talk about or bring up. You know that the less we speak about it, the more we have and experience it. The more we dismiss it from our lives,the more likely we are to struggle with addiction, trauma, aggression, depression, eating disorders, bullying, and I could go on and on. 

I’m glad to see that Jesus encountered this woman who only knew shame because in her shame, she walked into this conversation with Jesus believing that she was flawed and unworthy of love and belonging. Jesus saw her as a child of God. I’m also grateful for this Samaritan woman, who moved beyond the shame she felt and was willing to even engage Jesus in a conversation. 

So often when we read John 4, we tend to focus on just the fact that this woman was married multiple times and was living with a man. We never really reside in the understanding that this woman, first of all a Samaritan, was a part of a community of people who were shamed for centuries. 

And the sad thing about this is...we still shame whole communities today. All because they are not like us. 

And that’s not how God made us to be, to be shamed or to shame. We are all made in the image of God and in that image We are wired for love and connection. That is what God desired for us to be - loved and connected. In relationship. When we are absent from that, we suffer.

A heart that is filled with love and not shame or hatred towards others is a heart that crosses the normal barriers of life and reaches out without shaming. A heart of Christ is  a heart and a mind that sees divine potential in its relationships. All relationships. A loving heart is a vulnerable heart, just as Christ's was. I must warn you, this is not a safe path, but it is the only way to go, if we truly want to be free of shame. 

As we can see in John 4 and in other passages, Jesus compels us to such a life. I invite you to accept that kind of life a life filled with love and not shame. Christ can fill that void. 

C. S. Lewis once wrote: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up save in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, ”safe, dark, motionless, airless,” it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Hurricane Irma, No Communication And The Neighbors

After not sleeping the night of Hurricane Irma, I crashed in my bed early last evening. I awakened this morning to a phone that worked again and the ability to communicate with the outside world. 

I now see via social media the damage my friends all across the state sustained including here in the northeastern part of the state. 

Late last afternoon, I witnessed a neighborhood that had no power. Here is what I saw: neighbors talking to each other, 10's of dad's fishing with their kids, one husband and wife sitting on rocking chairs on their front porch while the husband played his guitar and sang, kids playing in the streets, people grilling and talking. I said to Alayna and Jaelin who were with me, "This reminds me of the 80's, when people took time for each other and invested in their community and one another." Today, we get to experience that again as rebuilding all across this great state of Florida begins. 

I close with these words from Paul to the Philippian church and community "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:4 See you on the street!

Initial Help For Hurricane Harvey

As we all watch in complete shock over the historic flooding that has taken place in multiple places in Texas, we have an incredible opportunity to turn our empathy into action.

As United Methodists we are fortunate to have a Disaster Response team called UMCOR, (United Methodist Committee on Relief). The United Methodist Committee on Relief provides assistance to people in need and 100% of ALL donations go directly to the people in need.

Compelled by Christ to be a voice of conscience on behalf of the people called Methodist, UMCOR works globally to alleviate human suffering and advance hope and healing.

UMCOR is a Charity Navigator 4-star rated organization. United Methodist Committee on Relief has received a 4-star rating from Charity Navigator, America's largest and most-utilized independent evaluator of charities.

You can make an impact by doing two things immediately:

1. Pray. Pray for the people that are affected by this disaster. Pray that God will bring hope and restoration to each person affected. Pray that healing can begin and pray that God will deliver those still in harms way. Pray for all those who are in rescue operations at this time.

2. Give. Remember, 100% of your contributions go directly to those in Texas impacted by Hurricane Harvey. The link to give is below.

Click to Donate (Hurricane Harvey)

If you attend Mandarin United Methodist Church, you can give in worship on Sunday.
You may give cash in an envelope marked “Hurricane” or a check payable to MUMC with Hurricane in the memo, or give on line, selecting “other” and indicate “Hurricane.” (This is for those who will be in worship at Mandarin)

May God bless all those in harms way and may God bless you for your donation as well as your prayers.

I Cried.

The pain of hate. 

I cried. I haven't cried like that since I was a kid. And it came from the depths of my soul.

I pray every Sunday with our pastoral team at 7:30 a.m. There are five of us on the team and we have grown over the years to be vulnerable with one another.

This particular Sunday morning, prayer time came a day after the protests in Charlottesville, VA. We gathered around our circle and I listened to one of our pastors mention how they were really upset from the events of the day before in Charlottesville. I felt for this other pastor, because I could see the pain on their face.

And still will protect and serve. 

We began to pray in our group, all five of us pastors. This particular week, I went last. I began to pray and my prayer immediately went to what took place in Charlottesville. And in an instant, I began to sob. God immediately laid on my heart both pain and pride; all at the same time. Why would I feel that at the same time you may ask?

I felt pain. Pain for all people, especially the African American community this weekend, who are the recipients of hatred. White supremacists descended upon Charlottesville, wreaking of hatred and bigotry. The pain I felt in that moment was real. It hurt to know people I love experience this type of hatred daily.

This summer, my daughter began dating an African American young man. This young man is unlike any young man I have met before. He loves Jesus. Deeply loves Jesus. Regular church goer. Loves his family more than life itself and has a love for my daughter that makes me smile. He treats Alayna like a princess, the way she deserves to be treated.

My pain shifted some. My pain became more focused and went to Alayna and Jaelin. A most wonderful team! These two compliment each other so well. Jaelin treasures Alayna and Alayna treasures Jaelin. I thought of how Jaelin gets us to pray holding hands as a family around the table.  I thought of how Jaelin's grandma made a cake for Alayna so that our whole family could share. I thought about how we spent the day, both families in Pennsylvania playing at the natural waterslides in the mountains. I thought about how wonderful it was to know how happy my daughter is with this faithful young gentleman. And the pain felt for them wailed up again. Wherever they go, whether to the mall, or to the ballgame or just out to eat, they have to face scrutiny by people who are filled with hate. Stares, whispers and more will be the norm for them. All for what? Because of skin color? Really?

I cried harder and could barely get a word out in my prayer. Of of my dearest friends and sisters in the faith, Debbie let go of my hand and embraced me as she knew that Jeff St. Clair doesn't cry much.  She knew that Jeff St. Clair's faith in Christ allows him to get through many tough situations. She took on my pain at the same moment, as did my other brothers and sister in that circle.

In this moment I was reminded of a quote I once heard by Khalil Gibran, "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." In that moment of this prayer, my shell, that held back my understanding of how others feel this kind of hatred was shattered. I felt pain for others on an entirely different level. The last thing I want Jaelin and Alayna, as well as millions of others who experience hatred by supremacists, is to experience hurt, whether emotional or physical. NO one deserves to be hated upon. Hatred is a sin. Racism is a sin. White supremacy, or any kind of supremacy is a sin. There is NO justification for this behavior. This type of behavior is so far removed from the Gospel of Jesus Christ than anything I know.

When we, as United Methodists come into membership of the church, we are asked three questions:

1. Do you renounce the spiritual forces of wickedness, reject the evil powers of this world and repent of your sin?
2. Do you accept the freedom and power God gives you to resist evil, injustice and oppression in whatever forms they present themselves?
3. Do you confess Jesus Christ as your Savior, put your whole trust in his grace, and promise to serve him as your Lord, in union with the church which Christ has opened to people of all ages, nations, and races?

These are covenantal questions that we make with God and the community of faith when we join the church? A covenant. A promise to God that we will reject wrongdoing and we will resist oppression and injustice. A vow that we will promise to serve God in unity with people of all races.

I now see these questions in a new light. I see these covenantal questions with the lens of unity for one another. The pain I experienced in this prayer time allowed me to see so much. I gained an understanding of something I did not see. God forgive me for not seeing the pain of the inheritors of undeserved hatred. Forgive us all for our hatred towards anyone who is not "like" us.

After our prayer ended, this early Sunday morning, I was embraced by our team. We hugged. I cried more. They offered words of comfort. I love them for that.

In this moment, I also felt pride. Pride in Jaelin and Alayna for letting love of one another be the dominant trait in this relationship. The love they both have for Jesus and for each other is far greater than any fear a hater can impose on them or others.

Alayna said to her mom recently, "I feel sad when I see people not liking my posts or dad's posts on Facebook as much when a picture of me and Jaelin is posted." Alayna, don't be sad. Be sad for those that let differences outweigh our commonalities. Be sad for those who are restricted by those differences. God created us all in His image. I thank God for the beauty of that image, an image of diversity.

Friends, we got a long way to go. It is my prayer as I write this that you become transformed by the renewing of your mind and let love for one another be the dominant trait in your display of how you treat others.

"Do not take revenge on others or continue to hate them, but love your neighbors as you love yourself. I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18

 

Uniquely Better

It’s interesting that this came out of my fortune cookie today for lunch. “Your example will inspire others.”

Some years ago, when I served as a pastor at Baldwin Community United Methodist Church in Pittsburgh, PA, my Director of Christian Education at the time, Beth Lamb, made up pins to wear. The pins read, “I’m contagious! Pass it on!”

Of course we had many people look at us when we wore those buttons, however, it always led to a conversation as to what we had! We then said, “We have the joy of Christ living within us!” The joy of Christ is contagious. When you are around people who have joy residing inside them, you are naturally drawn to it. You crave it. You want more and when you experience that same joy, the natural result is to share it, or pass it on.

Inspiration. We all need it.

I was inspired this week. I mean...really inspired this week.

I’ve been attending The Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit at Crossroads United Methodist Church in Jacksonville, FL. This simulcast conference is broadcast to over 400,000 people world wide out of Willow Creek Church in Illinois. Bill Hybels is their founding pastor and current lead pastor.

This conference brings in some of the greatest leaders and innovators of our time. I’ve heard CEO’s speak, Secretary of State speak, and this week, I got to hear much of the same. These speakers come and they inspire. They inspire leaders to lead. Whether in business or in the church, leaders come from all around the world to be fed, to be inspired and to be sent out to do the work God has called them to.

This week, one of my favorite speakers, pastors and teachers spoke, Andy Stanley. Andy speaks and it becomes a quote. Well, not all the time, but you know what I mean.
I read the title of his talk, “Uniquely Better” and I thought, “What’s this all about?” Here are a few learnings from Andy Stanley’s talk at the GLS 17.

1. Capitalize on Your Successes:

Stanley encouraged us to capitalize on our successes. Just the night before, our kayak ministry, “Kayaking With Jeff” posted the next trip. In 59 minutes of it’s post, JaxPaddleSports’ fleet was completely sold out.

We have found a niche in St. Johns County, outdoors and activity. We have come to find  that when we have a ministry opportunity outside, people gather. Whether it is a community event, a block party, a kayaking trip or even an outdoor worship service, people come!

Every church or organization is different. Some churches may find that their success is a Celebrate Recovery ministry. Other churches may have a strong relationship with a local school.

2. Discovering “Uniquely Better” is almost Impossible; Recognizing When It Comes By is Much Higher.

When we launched Kayaking with Jeff in 2016, we had no idea what to expect. When God first laid this kayak Fresh Expression on my heart, I thought it would be a group of people who had their own kayaks and we would hit the waterways together.

God brought us Alex Gallaher, owner of JaxPaddleSports. Alex was beginning his business the same time we partnered together for Kayaking With Jeff. In 1 1/2 years, God has taken this partnership and has truly brought transformation for both Longleaf and for JaxPaddleSports.

We didn’t discover “uniquely better” in 2016. We recognized it this year as kayaks/SUP’s are being rented in record time. We must figure out a way now how to expand this kayak ministry in new ways, so that we can capitalize on what God has blessed.

Sometimes, that means we fail when we try something. Not everything works. However, if something does work, be sure to recognize it and invest in it. God is blessing it, so take advantage of it! Don’t thwart the work of what God is already doing! The earlier we recognize our “uniquely better,” the more successful we will be!

3. Be a student, not a critic.

Stanley encouraged us to learn. Never stop learning. He said, “I will not criticize something I don’t understand.” Another quote Stanley mentioned was, “The moment we start criticizing, we stop learning, and the moment we stop learning, we stop leading.”

I am learning everyday as a church planter. Nothing is never the same. I don’t want to be a critic. I want to be a student. I desire to know more.

What about you? Are you moving from critic to student? Leaders learn.

4. Ask the “uniquely better” questions.

Is this unique? What would make this unique? Is this better? It is better...really?

Take a look at what it is you are doing. Whether it is a small group, a Fresh Expression, an existing congregation, look deeply into the organization. What is it that you appreciate about it? Capitalize on that. How can you take what God is blessing you with to the next level? Unique attracts attention.

I have been inspired this week to strive to be uniquely better, in all areas of life. What makes you unique? What makes your church unique? What makes your organization/business unique? Capitalize on your success.

Small Groups Coordinator Announced for Longleaf @ 210 and Mandarin UMC!

Jennifer Lindner, Small Group Coordinator for Longleaf @ 210 and Mandarin UMC

Mandarin United Methodist Church's SPR would like to announce the hiring of Jennifer Lindner, as our new Small Groups Coordinator at Mandarin United Methodist/Longleaf @ 210. Jennifer is a member of Mandarin UMC, is married to Wes, and has three children, Sadie, Hudson and Ranger. 

In Jennifer's three years at Mandarin UMC as a lay person, Jennifer developed and began MOPS with Sarah Deetz. Jennifer has also created a Fresh Expression in St. Johns County that meets each month and Jennifer is actively engaged as a small group host in St. Johns County as a part of our Longleaf @ 210 Initiative. She also has been an active part of VBS here at Mandarin and other ministries. 

Jennifer is a graduate of Clemson University with a BA in Psychology and minor in Sociology. Jennifer is a proven self-starter, with a passion for starting new and successful ministries in St. Johns and in Mandarin. Jennifer is grateful to God for what small groups has done for her and her family and she is excited to share her passion with our church and our communities. Be sure to welcome Jennifer Lindner as a part of our Mandarin UMC Staff Team! She will begin her duties as Small Group Coordinator on August 1, 2017.

Longleaf @ 210 Week 2

The mobile "Longleaf @ 210" office! Stop by and see me some day!

Having an office in the strangest of locations is the new "normal" these days. This week, I tried a new spot, Bite a Bagel on CR 210. The people are so nice! I met Kathy, manager and Angelie, an employee who goes to school with my daughter Alayna and is in the same grade as her! Nice young lady! Thanks for the water refills Angelie!

As I have taken 1/2 of my time to Longleaf @ 210, I am finding that getting out of the office is becoming more and more of a joy than a fear or a disturbance. Why you might ask? I am finding that I have the opportunity to be present more now that I am face to face with people I encounter.

When I walk into a Dunkin Donuts or a Starbucks, I generally run into someone that I know from church or the community. I love meeting others and talking life. It's all kinds of conversations too! Everything from people moving to hospice care. With those conversations, we can care for each other and I can pray for the needs of our people and our community.

Pastor Juana Jordan and I at Village Bread, sharing our love for Christ and the church! Pray for Juana as she begins a new church in the heart of Jacksonville. 

I met with Pastor Juana Jordan this week. Juana is a dear sister in Christ who has been called to plant a church also in the downtown Jacksonville area. She and I met to discuss how God is using these two areas: St. Johns and Jacksonville as places to grow God's Kingdom. We discussed how people in both areas are vastly different, but even though they are so very different, they all want one thing: Relationship.

People are drawn to relationships. People have a need to be loved and appreciated. People need hope and encouragement. I have come to find in the church that we have what it is they are looking for.

I met with a part of our pastoral team and worship leadership this morning about hospitality in our Connection Contemporary Worship Service. I shared that those who are coming to our church as there for a reason: relationships and a desire to be a part of a community. People desire a relationship with God and with each other.

This week, our first hire for Longleaf accepted an offer to begin working for Mandarin/Longleaf. This person will be announced on Sunday in our weekly blast after worship. This person will become our new Small Groups Coordinator. This position will allow people to grow in community and relationships with God and each other. This position is of vital importance for the well-being of people's lives and the life of the church.

In Acts 2, we see the following:
2:1 When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2 Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting.

42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.

The beauty of this passage demonstrates that the early church was devoted to one another. Relationships were built and community was formed. Homes and small groups were such an important part of this community building and relationship strengthening.

As this role of Small Group Coordinator comes to fruition, I am excited to see how God will use this season to develop small group hosts and small groups for Longleaf @ 210. If you are along CR 210, I invite you to be in prayer as to how you will strengthen this community by building relationships in your homes/restaurants or in Amenity Centers.

I'm getting ready to go on a Mission Trip tomorrow morning (4 a.m.) with our Mandarin youth and all three of Jenn and my kids will be going. This will be my son's last hurrah as a youth before he goes off to college! I can't believe it.

Have a blessed day as you read and as you go forward living in faith and loving God and neighbor.