I Cried.

The pain of hate. 

I cried. I haven't cried like that since I was a kid. And it came from the depths of my soul.

I pray every Sunday with our pastoral team at 7:30 a.m. There are five of us on the team and we have grown over the years to be vulnerable with one another.

This particular Sunday morning, prayer time came a day after the protests in Charlottesville, VA. We gathered around our circle and I listened to one of our pastors mention how they were really upset from the events of the day before in Charlottesville. I felt for this other pastor, because I could see the pain on their face.

And still will protect and serve. 

We began to pray in our group, all five of us pastors. This particular week, I went last. I began to pray and my prayer immediately went to what took place in Charlottesville. And in an instant, I began to sob. God immediately laid on my heart both pain and pride; all at the same time. Why would I feel that at the same time you may ask?

I felt pain. Pain for all people, especially the African American community this weekend, who are the recipients of hatred. White supremacists descended upon Charlottesville, wreaking of hatred and bigotry. The pain I felt in that moment was real. It hurt to know people I love experience this type of hatred daily.

This summer, my daughter began dating an African American young man. This young man is unlike any young man I have met before. He loves Jesus. Deeply loves Jesus. Regular church goer. Loves his family more than life itself and has a love for my daughter that makes me smile. He treats Alayna like a princess, the way she deserves to be treated.

My pain shifted some. My pain became more focused and went to Alayna and Jaelin. A most wonderful team! These two compliment each other so well. Jaelin treasures Alayna and Alayna treasures Jaelin. I thought of how Jaelin gets us to pray holding hands as a family around the table.  I thought of how Jaelin's grandma made a cake for Alayna so that our whole family could share. I thought about how we spent the day, both families in Pennsylvania playing at the natural waterslides in the mountains. I thought about how wonderful it was to know how happy my daughter is with this faithful young gentleman. And the pain felt for them wailed up again. Wherever they go, whether to the mall, or to the ballgame or just out to eat, they have to face scrutiny by people who are filled with hate. Stares, whispers and more will be the norm for them. All for what? Because of skin color? Really?

I cried harder and could barely get a word out in my prayer. Of of my dearest friends and sisters in the faith, Debbie let go of my hand and embraced me as she knew that Jeff St. Clair doesn't cry much.  She knew that Jeff St. Clair's faith in Christ allows him to get through many tough situations. She took on my pain at the same moment, as did my other brothers and sister in that circle.

In this moment I was reminded of a quote I once heard by Khalil Gibran, "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." In that moment of this prayer, my shell, that held back my understanding of how others feel this kind of hatred was shattered. I felt pain for others on an entirely different level. The last thing I want Jaelin and Alayna, as well as millions of others who experience hatred by supremacists, is to experience hurt, whether emotional or physical. NO one deserves to be hated upon. Hatred is a sin. Racism is a sin. White supremacy, or any kind of supremacy is a sin. There is NO justification for this behavior. This type of behavior is so far removed from the Gospel of Jesus Christ than anything I know.

When we, as United Methodists come into membership of the church, we are asked three questions:

1. Do you renounce the spiritual forces of wickedness, reject the evil powers of this world and repent of your sin?
2. Do you accept the freedom and power God gives you to resist evil, injustice and oppression in whatever forms they present themselves?
3. Do you confess Jesus Christ as your Savior, put your whole trust in his grace, and promise to serve him as your Lord, in union with the church which Christ has opened to people of all ages, nations, and races?

These are covenantal questions that we make with God and the community of faith when we join the church? A covenant. A promise to God that we will reject wrongdoing and we will resist oppression and injustice. A vow that we will promise to serve God in unity with people of all races.

I now see these questions in a new light. I see these covenantal questions with the lens of unity for one another. The pain I experienced in this prayer time allowed me to see so much. I gained an understanding of something I did not see. God forgive me for not seeing the pain of the inheritors of undeserved hatred. Forgive us all for our hatred towards anyone who is not "like" us.

After our prayer ended, this early Sunday morning, I was embraced by our team. We hugged. I cried more. They offered words of comfort. I love them for that.

In this moment, I also felt pride. Pride in Jaelin and Alayna for letting love of one another be the dominant trait in this relationship. The love they both have for Jesus and for each other is far greater than any fear a hater can impose on them or others.

Alayna said to her mom recently, "I feel sad when I see people not liking my posts or dad's posts on Facebook as much when a picture of me and Jaelin is posted." Alayna, don't be sad. Be sad for those that let differences outweigh our commonalities. Be sad for those who are restricted by those differences. God created us all in His image. I thank God for the beauty of that image, an image of diversity.

Friends, we got a long way to go. It is my prayer as I write this that you become transformed by the renewing of your mind and let love for one another be the dominant trait in your display of how you treat others.

"Do not take revenge on others or continue to hate them, but love your neighbors as you love yourself. I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18